How to Stop Dating the Wrong Person
6/8/202642 min
Finding the right person is hard. Being attracted to the wrong one is just as common.
In this episode of Office Hours, I explore why some people find themselves stuck in the same dating patterns over and over again, pursuing partners who are unavailable, manipulative, emotionally destructive, or struggling with addiction. I explain why attraction can override good judgment, why certain personality types are especially alluring, and how to learn from past mistakes and create healthier patterns in love.
This episode focuses on choosing the right person in the first place. If you haven't yet listened to my episode, 3 Rules to Fall in Love and Stay in Love, I recommend it as a companion to this conversation. Together, they offer a roadmap for both finding love and building a lasting relationship.
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Where to find Arthur Brooks:
• Website: https://arthurbrooks.com/
• In-person Retreats: https://retreats.arthurbrooks.com/
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• Email: officehours@arthurbrooks.com
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Timestamps:
(00:00) Intro
(05:19) Why dating feels so difficult
(06:29) Dating Groundhog Day
(10:12) Attraction to unavailable people
(15:25) Substance abuse
(18:29) The Dark Triad
(20:56) How the Dark Triad reels you in
(25:52) Why we ignore red flags
(27:19) Dating strategy #1: Stop relying on others' judgment
(28:48) Dating strategy #2: Address your emophilia
(30:16) Dating strategy #3: Expand your time horizon
(32:10) Dating strategy #4: Don’t focus on looks and status
(33:21) Dating strategy #5: Look in the right place
(35:15) Dating strategy #6: Stop looking for your ex
(37:29) Dating strategy #7: Stop romanticizing doomed love
(39:00) Q&A: How to reconcile being on your phone to learn more
(40:15) Q&A: The value of fun leisure
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Referenced:
• The Meaning of Your Life: Finding Purpose in an Age of Emptiness:themeaningofyourlife.com
• Meaning Membership: https://hub.arthurbrooks.com/the-meaning-membership
• Arthur’s newsletter: https://www.arthurbrooks.com/newsletter
• The Happiness Scale: https://learn.arthurbrooks.com/the-happiness-scale
• The Pursuit of Happiness with Arthur Brooks: https://www.thefp.com/s/the-pursuit-of-happiness-with-arthur
• Nearly Half of U.S. Adults Say Dating Has Gotten Harder for Most People in the Last 10 Years: https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2020/08/20/nearly-half-of-u-s-adults-say-dating-has-gotten-harder-for-most-people-in-the-last-10-years
• Groundhog Day: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0107048
• Mate Choice Copying in Humans: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/26181063/
• The ability to judge the romantic interest of others: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/19076319
• ...References continued at: https://www.arthurbrooks.com/office-hours
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Transcript preview
First 90 secondsSpeaker 10:00
This episode is brought to you by Google Health. Stop chasing someone else's definition of health. What matters is what's healthy for you. Google Health offers a new kind of coach, built with Gemini for effortless tracking, sleep insights, and holistic coaching tailored to you. Visit googlestore.com to learn more and start a new relationship with your health. Requires Google account, Google Health app, internet, and Google Health Premium subscription. Features subject to change. Availability and results vary. Not intended for medical purposes. Works independently of Gemini apps. Check responses for accuracy.
Arthur Brooks· Host0:30
Every romantic comedy ever made practically has the same premise. There's these two people who really like each other, but they're terrible for each other. They're not suitable for each other, but through a series of errors and misunderstandings, et cetera, et cetera, they suffer a lot, but then make it work, and they live happily ever after. I mean, that's kind of the whole premise. But that's actually a pretty dumb premise. Maybe you have found that you don't date the right person, that you date the wrong person, maybe over and over and over again. How come? What's going on? I'm all about complementary. I love puzzle pieces that fit together in relationships. What I don't like are the ones where people are actually terrible for each other and trying to make something work that actually shouldn't work. What is today's episode? The three reasons you might be dating the wrong person over and over again, and the seven ways to stop doing that. [upbeat music] Hi, friends. Welcome to Office Hours. I'm Arthur Brooks. This is a show about love and happiness,