4 Ways to Get Better at Friendship
5/18/202648 min
We spend much of our lives building our careers. We chase success, recognition, and expansive networks—yet despite all of it, many of us still experience a quiet, persistent loneliness.
In this episode of Office Hours, I turn to Aristotle and his work, the Nicomachean Ethics, to ask an age-old question: what makes a good friend? I’ll explore Aristotle’s three types of friendship, and suggest something that sounds counterintuitive: the best of friends are perfectly useless. I also share four practical ways to deepen the friendships you already have, and cultivate more of these useless relationships that create real meaning, deeper happiness, and a life well lived.
—
Brought to you by:
• Noble Mobile—With Noble, there is only one plan: The No-Bull Plan. It’s simple. It’s transparent. And if you use less data, you get cash back. Get an exclusive offer at: https://noblemobile.com/arthurbrooks
—
Where to find Arthur Brooks:
• Website: https://arthurbrooks.com/
• In-person Retreats: https://retreats.arthurbrooks.com/
• Newsletter: https://www.arthurbrooks.com/newsletter
• X: https://x.com/arthurbrooks
• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/arthurcbrooks/
• Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ArthurBrooks/
• LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/arthur-c-brooks/
• Email: officehours@arthurbrooks.com
—
Timestamps:
(00:00) Intro
(06:32) Why close friendships are essential to happiness
(11:42) What a healthy friendship ecosystem looks like
(14:54) Aristotle’s three types of friendship
(23:57) Real friends vs. deal friends
(31:17) Friendship step #1: Give yourself a friendship checkup
(32:39) Friendship step #2: Identify the people who truly know you
(35:06) Friendship step #3: Go deep or go home
(38:24) Friendship step #4: Make more friends that you don’t need
(41:32) Q&A: Adjusting to home after a year abroad
(44:12) Q&A: Building better habits
—
Referenced:
• The Meaning of Your Life: Finding Purpose in an Age of Emptiness:themeaningofyourlife.com
• Meaning Membership: https://hub.arthurbrooks.com/the-meaning-membership
• Arthur’s newsletter: https://www.arthurbrooks.com/newsletter
• The Happiness Scale: https://learn.arthurbrooks.com/the-happiness-scale
• The Pursuit of Happiness with Arthur Brooks: https://www.thefp.com/s/the-pursuit-of-happiness-with-arthur
• Why You Should Want to Be Alone: https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2024/07/hermit-solitude-benefits-happiness/678955
• I Matter to My Friend, Therefore I am Happy: Friendship, Mattering, and Happiness: https://experts.nau.edu/en/publications/i-matter-to-my-friend-therefore-i-am-happy-friendship-mattering-a
• Friendship and personality as predictors of happiness: https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10902-006-9012-7
•The average American has three best friends: https://www.the-independent.com/life-style/friends-adults-american-how-to-friendship-difficulty-a8906861.html
• Social Support, Social Strain, Loneliness, and Well-Being Among Older Adults: An Analysis of the Health and Retirement Study: https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2014-05698-001
• ...References continued at: https://www.arthurbrooks.com/office-hours
—
Production and marketing by https://penname.co/.
Transcript preview
First 90 secondsSpeaker 10:00
[upbeat music] Wish you could skip this ad? [button clicks] We get it. Wish you could just skip to retirement? We got you. Cooperators can help you hit play on your financial future. Cooperators, get investments, insurance, and advice from someone who gets you. [singers vocalizing] Terms and conditions apply.
Arthur Brooks· Host0:26
Today, I wanna talk about one of the most fundamental areas of happiness, which is friendship. [gentle music] I've noticed in my work that the happiest people have a lot of real friends. Uh, they also have deal friends. Both are important, but real friends are required for you to be a happy person. A scourge in our society is people who are so busy, strivers, you, me, that it's all deal, no real. I was the chief executive of a big organization, and I was really lonely. And so I actually started to do the work, and it wasn't theoretical. It wasn't just social science to me at that point. And since then, it's been great. I'm better at it. I've got a bunch of people that I, I talk to a lot. I make the time, and it takes time. And when you do, you're gonna love it. You're gonna find that you have something that you could say to somebody that is one, probably one of the most beautiful things that they could hear, which is that, "I don't need you. You're useless to me. I just love you." You need more people like that in your life.