The Permission to Be and Not Just the Pressure to Do
12/15/202549 min
He comes to Esther with a question about how to feel worthy without constantly having to prove himself. For him, it’s not just personal, it’s also racial. Defining himself on what he calls the “path of black excellence,” achievement has become both a burden and a measure of identity. Together, they explore what it means to experience calm and worthiness, not through doing, but simply by being. Esther Callings are a one time, 45-60 minute interventional phone call with Esther. They are edited for time, clarity, and anonymity. If you have a question you would like to talk through with Esther, send a voice memo to producer@estherperel.com. Producer’s Note: When our anonymous guests do a session with Esther for the podcast, it is an act of generosity for everyone who listens. These sessions are meant not only to support the people in the room with Esther, but all of us who learn from their stories. Our stories have many chapters, and what you hear is just one moment in someone’s journey. So even though the sessions are anonymous, please remember that real people are behind them and they may be reading your comments. Also, please join me on Entre Nous, my new home on Substack for anyone who wants to live, love, and work with more connection and imagination. I invite you to sign up and become a free or paid member at estherperel.substack.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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First 90 secondsSpeaker 0· Guest0:01
Hi, Esther. Since I was a kid, so much of my validation came from titles, being labeled gifted and talented, hearing I was destined for great things. I did what we were told would lead to success: go to school, work hard, follow the rules, follow the "right" path, quote unquote. After college, I became a reporter on television. I thought it would be as exciting as it looked, but it wasn't, and it took me years to grieve that path that I left behind. But even doing the right thing didn't protect me from layoffs, detours, or breakup, the realization that achievement doesn't always bring security or happiness. My ambition has even shaped my relationships in one. My constant focus on what's next sometimes created a distance I couldn't close. When I'm achieving, I feel validated. When I'm not, I sometimes feel restless and unsure of who I am without something to chase. So my question is, how do I start to separate my identity and self-worth from my professional achievements? And how do I redefine success in a way that still feels meaningful without it being the only thing that defines me?
Speaker 11:15
When the holidays start to feel a bit repetitive, reach for a Sprite Winter Spiced Cranberry (can opening) and put your twist on tradition. A