My Hero Complex
6/29/202640 min
When his ex calls in the middle of a crisis, he finds himself pulled back into a familiar role: the rescuer. He's always been the one women confide in, the one who steps up, the one who proves he's a good man by making sure no one falls apart on his watch. It’s a hero complex he wears easily. If he’s needed, he feels powerful. If he’s not, he feels invisible. He’s the strong one, the reliable one, and yet he rarely asks for help himself. Can he be loved not just for what he gives, but for who he is?
Esther Callings are a one time, 45-60 minute interventional phone call with Esther. They are edited for time, clarity, and anonymity. If you have a question you would like to talk through with Esther, send a voice memo to producer@estherperel.com.
Producer’s Note: When our anonymous guests do a session with Esther for the podcast, it is an act of generosity for everyone who listens. These sessions are meant not only to support the people in the room with Esther, but all of us who learn from their stories. Our stories have many chapters, and what you hear is just one moment in someone’s journey. So even though the sessions are anonymous, please remember that real people are behind them and they may be reading your comments.
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Clips
Transcript preview
First 90 secondsEsther Perel· Host0:00
[gentle music] Hello.
Speaker 2· Guest0:01
Hello, Esther.
Esther Perel· Host0:02
Hi. Hi. Hi. What were you thinking just now before I came on camera? [laughs] [laughs] You were very pensive.
Speaker 2· Guest0:14
[laughs] This is my first therapy session ever, so I was kind of wondering what to expect.
Esther Perel· Host0:20
[laughs] So this is an initiation.
Speaker 2· Guest0:24
[laughs] Yes. And I'm apparently doing it with the best of the best.
Esther Perel· Host0:29
Oh. [laughs] [laughs] Where are you calling from?
Speaker 2· Guest0:33
I'm calling from Nairobi, Kenya.
Esther Perel· Host0:36
Uh-huh. And what was your question?
Speaker 2· Guest0:39
Um, it was about maybe understanding the concept of a hero complex. Quite recently, an ex-girlfriend of mine called me out of the blue. We hadn't talked in two years, and she calls me, and the first words she utters were, her life is falling apart, and that she's having suicidal thoughts, and that she had just gone through a breakup, and she was, was going through an abortion. And the reason why she says she called me is because, in her own words, the pain she was experiencing, the only time she can remember experiencing that kind of pain was when we broke up, and we