Keshet Starr: Domestic Abuse in the Frum World and the Red Flags We All Miss
5/30/20261 hr 11 min
In this week's episode of the Meaningful People Podcast, Keshet Starr, CEO of Shalom Task Force and a leading advocate in the fight against domestic abuse in the Jewish community, joins Nachi Gordon for a powerful and eye-opening conversation about one of the most difficult issues facing the Jewish world today. Keshet shares what domestic abuse actually looks like behind closed doors, why it is often missed by friends and family, and how emotional, financial, spiritual, technological, and physical abuse can manifest in relationships. She also discusses the realities of working with survivors, the warning signs people should recognize, and why abuse is far more prevalent than many realize.
The conversation explores why victims often struggle to leave abusive relationships, the unique challenges that exist within Orthodox Jewish communities, and the role that stigma and silence continue to play. Keshet also offers practical guidance for those dating, newly married, or concerned about someone they love, sharing red flags to watch for and the importance of healthy communication, boundaries, and conflict resolution. This is an important discussion about awareness, prevention, and ensuring that those who need help know they are not alone.
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Clips
Transcript preview
First 90 secondsNachi Gordon· Host0:00
Domestic abuse in the frum world. What does this look like in our circles, in our communities?
Keshet Starr· Guest0:03
It's happening a lot more than we realize. We know from general statistics that it's about one in four women, one in seven men.
Nachi Gordon· Host0:10
Spiritual abuse.
Keshet Starr· Guest0:11
Yes.
Nachi Gordon· Host0:12
This is something that I think that most people don't know much about.
Keshet Starr· Guest0:15
Spiritual abuse is basically when you take religion, Hashkafa, Torah, and you turn it into a form of abuse. A great example is get refusal. Agunot are almost always survivors of domestic abuse. What happens when you leave an abuser is that they've lost control, and they want to get it back. And when an abuser takes the get and makes it into a weapon and a way to control the other person, that's a form of spiritual abuse.
Nachi Gordon· Host0:41
Right.
Keshet Starr· Guest0:41
I had a case once where the abuse was happening on Shabbos. She realized after a while that the reason was because on Shabbos, because she didn't want to use her phone, she would often let it escalate quite a bit. I worked with someone years ago. I saw a picture of her bruising, and her bruising ended exactly at the elbow, so you wouldn't see it at all when she went out.
Nachi Gordon· Host1:02
Unbelievable. What are some of the main female-to-male abuse cases that you find?
Keshet Starr· Guest1:07
I think you do see less physical violence, physical threats in female-to-male cases, but we can all emotionally manipulate. I think we're still learning so much about the experience of male victims because it really is hard to get help.
Nachi Gordon· Host1:20
Young people who are in Shidduchim, getting married, unfortunately, statistics show that they might find themselves in a relationship like this. How do you make sure you don't end up in an abusive relationship?