Esther Perel - It’s Not Them, It’s You
4/12/20261 hr 11 min
Are you stuck, focusing on what's wrong in your relationship?
Deeply embedded in the work of intimacy, desire and relationships, psychotherapist and best-selling author Esther Perel, ask us to take a look at ourselves first, rather than listing the short comings of our partner.
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In this Academy of Imperfection, Hugh (who sadly was violently ill last time we talked to Esther) comes armed with questions about the mental load (with love, from Penny), and...
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Transcript preview
First 90 secondsEsther Perel· Guest0:00
[gentle music] I have never seen people wanting more sex from talking about why they don't want sex Joining us for a second time, world-famous psychotherapist best known for her extensive work on relationships.
Hugh van Cuylenburg· Host0:10
Esther is the bestselling author of Mating in Captivity and The State of Affairs.
Esther Perel· Guest0:15
Start with what you have appreciated about the other in the last week before you become experts on the shortcomings of the other person. If you want to change the other, change yourself.
Ryan Shelton· Host0:27
What if you don't wanna change?
Hugh van Cuylenburg· Host0:29
[laughs] [laughs] Penny and I, something we've worked really hard on is trying to even out the mental load in our relationship.
Esther Perel· Guest0:36
I have often said to mothers, in this instance, "You've got to go away for a week. I want you to have the experience of trusting your partner" Myself, as someone who grew up in a household where there was really no conflict, now when I have conflict in relationships, I find it really tricky.
Hugh van Cuylenburg· Host0:52
This has been a constant issue in our relationship, is this mismatching need for affection.
Ryan Shelton· Host0:57
It's so interesting that in the person that you wanna be closest to, sometimes it's just so hard to reveal that vulnerability of like, "I made the mistake there" The person who apologizes first has the power. [gentle music] Well, hello to everyone who listens, watches us regularly, but a very, very special hello, uh, well, first of all, to our guest, but also, um, the, uh, group of people who, uh, tune in once every four years to The Imperfects when we have Esther Perel on. [laughs] So welcome back. It's been