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Think Fast Talk Smart: Communication Techniques

291. Hello, Stranger: Why Curiosity Beats Charisma Every Time

5/25/202630 min

What keeps us from being more social? Nick Epley calls it a “mind-reading mistake.”

We all think about what others think, particularly what they think about us. The problem, says Nick Epley, is that we’re almost always wrong.

Epley is a professor of behavioral science at the University of Chicago Booth School of Business and author of A Little More Social: How Small Choices Create Unexpected Happiness, Health, and Connection. What keeps people from engaging authentically, connecting deeply, and enjoying a meaningful social life? It comes down to an error of social cognition, “A mind-reading mistake,” Epley says. “If I don't think you want to talk to me, I won't try. And I'll never find out that I'm wrong about that.”

In this episode of Think Fast, Talk Smart, Epley and host Matt Abrahams explore why we hold ourselves back from meaningful conversation, and what happens when we don’t. From taking an interest in others to sharing more freely about ourselves, Epley shares strategies for being a little more social — and making your life considerably better as a result.

To listen to the extended Deep Thinks version of this episode, please visit FasterSmarter.io/premium.

Episode Reference Links:

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Chapters:

  • (00:00) - Introduction
  • (01:31) - Problems with Body Language
  • (04:15) - Perspective Getting
  • (07:14) - Asking Better Questions
  • (08:41) - Moving Beyond Small Talk
  • (10:13) - Why We Hold Back
  • (11:33) - Advice For Introverts
  • (15:17) - A Little More Social
  • (18:34) - The Final Three Questions
  • (24:45) - Conclusion

Clips

Just Ask, Don’t Guess
From Small Talk to Dreams
The Hello Walk Habit
Lead With Warmth
It’s Less Awkward Than You Think

Transcript preview

First 90 seconds

  1. Matt Abrahams· Host0:03

    One of the biggest barriers to interpersonal communication is our concern that people aren't interested in what we have to say. If we're just a little bit more social, we can dramatically change the impact of our communication. My name's Matt Abrahams, and I teach strategic communication at Stanford Graduate School of Business. Welcome to Think Fast, Talk Smart, the podcast. [upbeat music] Today, I look forward to learning from Nick Epley. Nick is a professor of behavioral science at the University of Chicago Booth School of Business, where he also directs the Roman Family Center for Decision Research. Nick's research focuses on how people make inferences about the minds of others and why we routinely misunderstand each other. His first book is called Mindwise: How We Understand What Others Think, Believe, Feel, and Want, and his latest book is A Little More Social: How Small Choices Create Unexpected Happiness, Health, and Connection. Well, welcome, Nick. I am so excited to chat with you. You have the distinction of being the person most cited by other guests from Charles Duhigg to Katy Milkman to Laurie Santos, and I am so glad to finally get a chance to talk to you. Thanks for being here.

  2. Nick Epley· Guest1:20

    Yeah, thank you. That is very flattering. And you should be flattered to know that one of your recent guests, Sonia Lubomirski, also said, who she does a lot of podcasts, said this was one of the favorite that she'd done

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